


Take Me Back to When I Found My Heart and Broke it There

by musictomydamagedears



Series: Castle on the Hill - Sam and Grizz [2]
Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Childhood Friends, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, No New Ham, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:01:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22310719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musictomydamagedears/pseuds/musictomydamagedears
Summary: "Mommy, will I have a girlfriend when I get older?""Why are you asking dear?""What if I want a boyfriend?"“No, Gareth, you don’t want a boyfriend. And you will never ever speak of this again, especially in front of your father. Boys want girlfriends, and that’s it.”An Alternate Universe where Sam and Grizz were childhood best friends, and their story up throughout the years as they roller coaster through life. A story of joy, happiness, sadness, love, a childhood innocence, and how two people fell in love when they weren't supposed to.Sequel (Grizz POV) to I Know I've Grown, but I Can't Wait to Go Home (Sam POV). Can be read in whatever order you'd like, and as a stand-alone.
Relationships: Sam Eliot/Gareth "Grizz" Visser
Series: Castle on the Hill - Sam and Grizz [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605883
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	Take Me Back to When I Found My Heart and Broke it There

Grizz didn’t like Campbell Eliot. He was mean, he was cruel, and he was a bully. No, Grizz didn’t like him at all, really. However, Grizz did like Luke, Jason and Clark. And when Jason and Clark asked him to play the summer break before second grade, he of course said yes, even if it was at Campbell Eliot’s house.

He had never been there before, and even if he had heard Campbell talk about his little brother several times, he had never met him. He was smaller than expected, and even if Grizz knew he was deaf, he was a bit too young to truly understand that the boy couldn’t hear him at all.

“Grizz! Come on! We’re going to chase Sam!” Clark said with a huge smile, tugging Grizz along as he ran past him to catch up with Campbell, Harry and Jason. Grizz frowned, thinking that it was a bit unfair to Sam. They were all older and bigger, and he was all small and alone. However, he didn’t want to have to go home, so he just joined them without making a real effort to actually catch Campbell’s little brother. 

Sam was faster than expected, and he managed to run quite far before he eventually stumbled and fell down a hill. Grizz stopped in his tracks, staring down at the small body that was tumbling down the grassy hill. The others all laughed before running back, leaving Sam there all alone. Grizz glanced back at them, then turned back to look at Sam, and he knew right there and then that he couldn’t leave him alone.

He ran down the hill himself, stopping next to the crying boy. He sat down, unable to think of what to do. Sam seemed to move away from him, and Grizz got a bit sad. He didn’t want to hurt him!

“Are you okay? I dunno what to do, I want to help,” Grizz said, looking down at Sam’s leg that didn’t look very good at all. When he received no reply other than a weak “owie”, Grizz realized that he actually couldn’t hear at all, and Grizz tried to think really hard about what to say and do. 

He eventually decided that he would have to carry him, and to tell Sam this, he had to mime himself lifting something heavy, pointing to Sam afterwards, and then asking him yes or no. After the little boy nodded, Grizz tried to ask him if he wanted to sit on his back, which he did. It took a bit of work and struggling, but they eventually managed to get Sam up on his back before going back to the Eliots’ house. 

“Mrs Eliot?” Grizz shouted as he walked inside, the woman rushing over to them at once. Grizz put Sam down in the chair right next to them, staying beside him to make sure that he was okay. Plus, he really didn’t want to go back to Campbell and the others. He didn’t like mean people, and what they did was very mean. 

“What happened?” Mrs Eliot asked, waving her hands around at the same time. Grizz realized that this was how she talked to Sam, and Grizz found himself wanting to be able to talk to Sam like that as well. Sam waved his hands back at her, and Grizz hesitated before speaking as well. 

“We were all chasing him, because Campbell wanted to play, and he tripped over a tree-thingy,” he said, looking down guiltily. “I didn’t wanna chase him.”

Grizz just watched as Sam and his mother talked to one another, waiting for Mrs Eliot to yell at him and calling him bad names. That was what his father always did if he did something bad, and he waited for the loudness to take over. However, the loudness never came, and the next thing he heard was.

“I don’t know your name dear, neither does Sam, what is it sweetie?” Mrs Eliot asked, and Grizz looked at her in surprise. No yelling? He blinked before answering.

“Grizz, like a Grizzly bear,” he said, smiling a bit. Mrs Eliot and Sam did some more hand-talking before they both laughed and Mrs Eliot turned back towards Grizz. 

“He says you look more like a teddy bear than a scary bear,” she told him, and Grizz got a bit embarrassed. That was very nice, so he smiled at Sam, thinking that he wanted to get to know him better, and that he had a very pretty laugh.

“Sam wants to know if you would join us to the hospital,” was the next thing Grizz heard, and Grizz just nodded. They wanted him to come to the hospital? Even if he was one of the reasons Sam was hurt? Mrs Eliot smiled at him and told him that he was going to call his mother. Grizz didn’t like that, because if she found out that he had hurt Sam, his father would find out, and his father was very very scary.

Mrs Eliot disappeared to call his parents, and Grizz looked at Sam, who was looking back at him with curious eyes.

“What?” Grizz asked him, more confused than anything. Grizz wasn’t exciting at all, he thought. He was about to be mad at himself for speaking out loud, of course Sam didn’t understand it. But he did, and the little boy started talking.

“‘Ow old are you?” Sam asked, and Grizz really liked his voice. It was a bit difficult to understand what he was saying, but he really liked his voice anyway.

Grizz grinned and put up seven fingers before pointing to Sam. Sam put up six fingers, and Grizz smiled again. Mrs Eliot walked back, talking and hand-talking at the same time.

“I talked to Grizz’s parents,” she said, and Grizz’s tummy hurt a bit. Maybe she would be mad at him now? “He can come to the hospital and stay for dinner.”

Relieved, Grizz smiled at Sam, looking as he hand-talked to him. He didn’t understand what it meant, but he guessed that it meant thanks. They all drove to the hospital, with Grizz being allowed to sit in the front seat, even if it was in a child seat. 

Mrs Eliot talked a bit to him on the way to the hospital, asking him if he was friends with Campbell and why he had never visited them before. He answered honestly that he and Campbell wasn’t friends, and that he had never been asked to visit before. She asked him some more questions, which Grizz answered politely. 

“Thanks for not being mad at me Mrs Eliot,” Grizz said quietly, at one point during the car ride. “I really really didn’t mean for Sam to get hurt.”

“No, of course not honey!” Mrs Eliot said, looking over at Grizz a bit concerned. “Why would I be mad? You helped him so much, you did very good.”

“Oh,” Grizz said, being silent for the rest of the way until they pulled up in the hospital parking lot. About an hour later, Sam had a brand new red cast on his leg, and Grizz was pushing him out of the hospital in his new wheelchair. Grizz looked as Sam was hand-talking some more to his mother, and kept smiling as he pushed him out to the car. He was really happy that he got to eat dinner there, not wanting to leave Sam and go home just yet.

They had to wait a while for dinner to be done, and in the meantime Sam’s mother found some stuff for them to do, while also turning on the TV. Grizz thought about it for a while, and it was probably not as fun for Sam when he couldn’t hear, so he turned the TV off. 

“Not fair,” he said, while shaking his head and pointing to his ear, hoping that Sam would understand. Instead, the two started drawing, showing them to each other and giggling as they drew something funny. Grizz looked at Sam’s cast. It was a bit boring, he decided, and held up a sharpie before pointing to the cast. Sam nodded, and Grizz got to drawing.

Completely concentrated on making it a pretty drawing, Grizz poked his tongue out while drawing. He didn’t want Sam to have an ugly drawing on his cast, and he wanted him to know that it was from Grizz. So he drew a bear that was some mixture of a scary and a nice one, hoping Sam understood it. He stopped drawing, then tapped Sam’s hand to make him look at it.

“Gwis-beah!” Sam said, and Grizz grinned. Sam had understood, and Grizz was a bit proud of himself. They drew some more, until Sam’s mother called for them to come to the dining table for dinner. Grizz noticed how Campbell glared at him, but he tried to ignore it. He liked Sam much better than Campbell anyway.

Grizz met Mr Eliot for the first time too, shaking his hand and introducing himself. A bit unsettled by how Campbell seemed to be, he didn’t really eat much, even if it was some of the best food he had had in ages. When they were done eating, Grizz really didn’t want to go home. However, he knew he had to, or his father would be very unhappy.

When he got home, his father was sleeping on the couch, and his mother hurriedly hugged Grizz before dragging him up to his room.

“Daddy is sleeping, so be very quiet, yes?” she looked at him, and Grizz nodded. His daddy didn’t like being woken up, especially after a long day at work. 

“Mommy?” he looked up at her. “Can you help me speak to Sam? He can’t hear, and I want to speak to him.”

“Oh, well, of course!” his mother smiled at him, stroking his hair. “I’ll see if I can find a book or something at the library tomorrow, okay?”

The next week or so, Grizz played with Luke most of the days, and spent his nights trying to learn sign language with his mother. One of the days when his father was at work, he and his mother decided to go shopping for a gift for Sam. It took him a while, as he wanted to give him everything, but he eventually decided on a teddy bear that looked like a grizzly bear. He noticed that they had a stack of shirts for the teddy bears, and begged his mom to buy a shirt with the number six on it. 

On the night before he was going over to visit Sam again, his mother suddenly started laughing as they were trying to learn some more sign language.

“What is it?” Grizz frowned, looking over at his mom who was still laughing.

“Oh, dear, I picked up the wrong book, I didn’t even realize until now. This is British Sign Language, Sam probably uses American Sign Language. It stands here that they are very very different.”

“Oh,” Grizz said, upset. He had spent a lot of time trying to learn for Sam, and then he wouldn’t even be able to understand him. “Can I still visit him tomorrow?”

“Of course hun,” his mother smiled, kissing his forehead. “But now it’s late, so go brush your teeth and then we’ll read something before you have to sleep. Okay?”

Grizz nodded and walked into the bathroom, brushing his teeth and putting on his jammies. He and his mother read a chapter of Matilda, and Grizz fell asleep soon after his mother had placed another kiss on his forehead.

When he woke up the next day, his mother complained that he was bouncing happily all over the place, but Grizz just couldn’t help it. He was excited for today, seeing Sam again. His mother successfully got him to sit still for a couple of minutes as he was writing a card for Sam, but once that was done, he was back to being impatient and hyperactive.

While begging his mom to leave soon, his father walked over to him, and gripped his upper arm harshly. 

“Gareth, you fucking piece of shit,” his father growled, tightening his grip. It hurt, but Grizz didn’t say anything, just swallowed back tears. “Leave your mother alone and sit the fuck down. You leave when you leave.”

Grizz nodded tightly and sat down on the couch when his father let him go. His arm was hurting, but he didn’t cry, didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to make it worse. A little while after this, his mother showed up with the present and the card, asking him if he was ready to leave.

Jumping up from the couch, Grizz grinned and nodded excessively. Of course he was! He was going to see Sam again. It was almost as if his father had never been mad, and he didn’t even stop talking to his mom as they drove to the Eliot residence.

Once they were there, Grizz ran up to the door and knocking on it, his mom following shortly. Mrs Eliot opened the door with a smile.

“Hello Grizz, hello Mrs…” she started, looking at his mother with a bit uncertainty.

“Visser,” his mother said, shaking Mrs Eliot’s hand. “It’s nice to finally meet the mother of the boy Grizz barely shuts up about. He even tried to learn sign language for Sam, but turns out I managed to get the book on learning British Sign Language from the library.”

The two women laughed and spoke some more, and Grizz got something about them signing Grizz up for some sort of school to learn sign language, but he still waited impatiently for them to finish up. After what seemed like an eternity, Mrs Eliot looked up at Grizz with a smile.

“Let’s surprise Sam, yeah? He doesn’t know you came over to see him,” she said. Grizz nodded with a grin, hugging his mom goodbye as Mrs Eliot walked into the living room to tell Sam he had a visitor. It didn’t take long before Grizz decided he was tired of waiting, and he walked inside, suddenly a bit embarrassed. He smiled nonetheless, handing Sam the present and the card.

“For you,” he said, trying to move his mouth so that Sam would understand him. Sam looked confused, but accepted it. He watched as Sam read his card where he wrote that he was sorry that he didn’t know how to talk to him and that he would learn, and that six was his lucky number. He then watched at Sam opened the present with a huge grin. He seemed really happy, and that made Grizz happy too. Grizz hugged Sam, and that was the best hug ever, he decided. He wanted to hug Sam everyday.  
Sam wrote something on a paper and handed it to Grizz. Grizz smiled as it said thank you, and asking him for his real name. He wrote back ‘Gareth’, and Sam smiled at him before holding up the teddy bear.

“Gare-bear!” Sam exclaimed, and Grizz grinned at him. Sam wanted it to be named after him, and that made him feel smiley and warm. Sam put his DS away and pointed to his box of action figures. Grizz got the box, and the two did the best they could, trying to play and communicate with each other without ever really talking.

He heard Sam’s mother step into the room, watching them. Apparently, she must have felt sorry for them, because she tapped Sam’s shoulder, telling him about the sign language class that Grizz was going to take. 

After the two had signed to each other for a bit, Mrs Eliot told Grizz that Sam wanted to join him for his beginner classes, so that maybe he would be able to learn faster. Grizz grinned at Sam, thinking that he was very lucky to get to know him. Luke was okay, but Sam was good, and he liked that.

\---

His first sign language class was only a couple days later, and the night before, he could hear his dad screaming at his mom, but he tried to shut it out. It was something about money, and about what people would think. Grizz didn’t know what was wrong with that, but he stayed awake thinking about it for a while, until his mom came upstairs to tell him that everything was fine. 

Grizz woke up that day with a feeling of a mixture of tummy ache and happiness. He didn’t want his dad to be as mad as he was last night, but at the same time he was really looking forward to seeing Sam again and learning sign language. Yesterday he had played with Clark, Jason and Luke, and it was fun, but not as fun as being with Sam.

After about ten minutes of class, Grizz was determined to learn sign language. It was a bit hard, but it was fun. Plus, seeing Sam be all happy when he managed to sign something made him warm all over, and he liked that. 

He spent the last six weeks of the summer break going to class every tuesday, practicing his signing with Sam and Sam’s mother every opportunity he got. Luke had gone on a three week vacation with his family for the past weeks anyway, so except for the few days Grizz spent with Clark and Jason, he spent almost every single day with Sam. 

Grizz knew he was a fast learner, and he eventually managed to both keep up and have a conversation with Sam almost completely in sign language. In fact, he had learned so fast that the teacher had decided that Grizz was to join Sam for his classes every Thursday after school instead. 

Every day he had spent with Sam, Campbell seemed to get angrier and angrier, but Grizz had never understand how bad it got until Sam told him a week before school started again. Apparently Campbell had been ruining Sam’s toys the entire time, and Grizz was about to get up and fight Campbell when Sam stopped him. Grizz wasn’t happy about being stopped, but he remembered that his mom would be disappointed in him. She always said that he should never hit anyone, no matter what they did. Sometimes he wondered why she hadn’t told his dad that.

He sat down next to him again, signing to him and asking him if he was going to remove his cast soon. Sam nodded and told him that it would be off in three days. He also asked if Grizz wanted to come with them, and of course Grizz wanted to.

“Of course!” he signed, grinning. “I have to help you when you fall!” 

Sam smiled back at him, then they both just sat there without doing anything. Sam seemed a bit disappointed, and Grizz didn’t know why until Sam signed to him again.

“I don’t want school to start,” Sam admitted. Grizz nodded, agreeing completely. He just wanted to keep on spending every day with Sam, signing and drawing and reading. Nothing was as fun as spending time with him, not even school. And Grizz really loved school.

“I know,” he signed back. “But I promise to visit you a lot, and you can visit me lots, and we have sign language class!”

He knew that they would only have sign language class every other week from now, but he hoped that he would be able to see Sam a lot anyway. Even if he told Sam that he could visit Grizz lots too, he knew deep inside that he couldn’t. His father didn’t like that, and the last time he was there, his father had been mad at Grizz and his mother the entire next day.

Sam promised him to visit him before leaning his head on his shoulder, and Grizz tried not to think about how his tummy ached, and he grabbed Sam’s hand for comfort. He liked being close to Sam. He had always liked being close to people, but being close to Sam was the best. Definitely.

Grizz was lucky, he was allowed to stay at Sam’s house until it was late and it was almost bedtime. When his mother picked him up, he was thinking about something he had seen at a cartoon that day, so he asked his mother.

“Mommy?” Grizz asked hesitantly. “Will I have to have a girlfriend when I get older?”

“Why are you asking, dear?” his mother asked, and Grizz couldn’t know the nervousness and anxiousness racing through her mind as he said what she feared he would.

“What if I want a boyfriend?” he said quietly, and he would never be able to understand why his mother answered the way she did.

“No, Gareth, you don’t want a boyfriend. And you will never ever speak of this again, especially in front of your father. Boys want girlfriends, and that’s it.”

\---

Except for the day he went with Sam to the hospital to remove his cast and get ice cream afterwards, Grizz didn’t see Sam at all until school started. And when school started, he had even less time to spend with Sam. His parents signed him up for all sorts of sports, and Grizz had been very disappointed when his mother informed him that he would no longer be allowed to go to his tap dance classes.

Grizz was a bit sad, not being able to spend time with him, but he figured that it made his father happy. His father was much happier when he spent time with Luke, Clark and Jason than when he spoke about Sam, so he just kept quiet about his best friend. He missed him a lot, but he didn’t miss the bruises and the owies.

The months until Christmas went by slowly, as he only saw Sam during their sign language classes. It ended up with Grizz having to practice his signing to himself and while watching TV, so that he could keep up with Sam. 

Both Clark and Luke had girlfriends within October, and Grizz didn’t see what was so special about girls. They were nice, and they had long hair, but they weren’t beautiful in the way that boys was. Sam was much more beautiful than Clark’s girlfriend, Lisa, at least. 

His father however, kept telling Grizz that he was such a ladies’ man, and that he was waiting for the day Grizz brought a girl home. As a seven year old, Grizz didn’t understand this very well, but he did understand that boys shouldn’t like other boys, no matter how beautiful they were. 

When December finally arrived, Grizz and his mother went christmas shopping. He got a football for Jason, a football jersey for Clark, and a DS game for Luke. That was three presents done, but he still missed the most important one.

“You want to get anything for Sam?” his mother asked, and Grizz lit up. He nodded excitedly.

“I know just what to get him!” he exclaimed, dragging her towards the bookstore. He stopped in front of the collection of his favorite books. Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach, Big Friendly Giant, and a couple more Roald Dahl books. 

“These!” he said, and his mom grinned at him. She knew they were his favorites too, and even if she did keep Grizz away from Sam to keep her husband happy, she knew that no one made Grizz as happy as Sam did. 

Grizz bought a card to go with it, writing that Sam was his best friend and that those were his favorite books. 

It took almost three weeks until Grizz would get to give Sam his presents. However, the day Sam knocked on his door, Grizz realized how much he had really missed him. Sam was truly his best friend, and he just wanted to hug him forever and ever. So he did.

He did eventually have to let go to go grab his present for Sam, though, so he quickly signed that he would be right back. When he got back with his present, Mrs Eliot was standing behind Sam with another present that Grizz assumed was for himself from Sam. He handed the gift to Mrs Eliot so that he would be able to sign.

“It’s not much, but I like it, and I hope you do too,” Grizz signed, smiling a bit at him. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Sam signed back, taking the other present from his mother’s hands and giving it to Grizz before hugging him yet again.

“Grizz,” Mrs Eliot spoke up. “Why don’t you ask if you can sleepover the day after Christmas, yeah? Campbell’s having Harry over.”

Grizz lit up and then ran inside, double checking that his father was still asleep before tapping his mother’s shoulder.

“Mrs Eliot asked me if I could ask you if I can sleepover at Sam’s together with Harry and Campbell the day after Christmas?” he asked, knowing that he was a lot more likely to get a yes if he mentioned Harry and Campbell. 

“Sure, honey, say hi to Mrs Eliot from me, okay?” she said, smiling up at him. Grizz nodded and ran back out to where Sam and his mother were waiting. He gave her a big thumbs up.

“Mom says hi!” he told her, before looking at Sam as he knocked on the door to get his attention. Realizing that he had completely forgotten to tell Sam anything, he signed that he was going to spend the night the day after Christmas. Sam looked very surprised, and Grizz grinned at him until he heard his father’s voice from behind him.

“Gareth Visser, get your ass back here,” his father shouted, hopefully not loud enough for Mrs Eliot to hear., and Grizz frowned. He signed to Sam that he would see him for his sleepover, hugged him quickly, and shut the door behind him.

“Yes, daddy?” he asked, walking back and standing in front of his father. His father was straightening his shirt and fixing his hair.

“We’re going over to the Pattersons tonight, so be on your best behavior boy, or I’ll make you regret it when we come home,” he said, and Grizz nodded.

“Yes, daddy,” he said. Patterson, that meant that they were visiting Gwen and her family. That was alright. He had visited them lots, but last year his father had got furious at him when they returned home, because Grizz and Gwen had put up a play and a dance for their parents. Apparently boys didn’t do that, and Grizz hid in his bedroom for the next days. He didn’t want that to happen again, so this time he would say no if Gwen tried to put up a play again.

Grizz knew that his father was a well respected man in the town, with a nice job that demanded a suit everyday. What he didn’t know was that it wasn’t normal for people to change so much from who they were at work and in front of others, to when they were alone with their family. He just assumed that was how it was.

When they arrived at the Pattersons’ house, Gwen opened the door and slung her arms around Grizz’s neck. Grizz and Gwen’s fathers both chuckled, talking about how the two of them were going to be married. Grizz tried to hold back a frown. He didn’t want to marry Gwen. He didn’t want to marry a girl at all. But he had to, because boys wanted girlfriends, and that was it.

“Let’s go to my room!” Gwen said, tugging him along.

“Don’t forget to leave the door open,” Gwen’s father said, provoking a laugh from the other parents. Grizz didn’t understand why that was funny, or why it was even said at all, but he just followed her anyway.

“Want to play mommy and daddy?” Gwen asked, and Grizz didn’t really know if he wanted to play mommy and daddy. Didn’t she have like dinosaurs or something? However, she kept asking, and he eventually said yes as she found a doll.

Grizz sat down in one of her chairs, pretending to read the newspaper while Gwen was feeding the baby. He didn’t really know how to play mommy and daddy, so he just followed Gwen’s orders about what to say and do.

“You know what mommies and daddies do?” Gwen asked, and Grizz shook his head. Gwen giggled, and quickly kissed Grizz. Grizz frowned. Gwen kissed him, did that mean that she was his girlfriend?

“Yuck,” he ended up saying, and Gwen kept on giggling. “Kissing is yucky.”

They didn’t have time to play anymore before they were being called downstairs for dinner. Gwen grabbed his hand, and even if Grizz didn’t want it, he let her hold it. Maybe his daddy would finally be proud of him.

Grizz didn’t speak at all during the dinner, as Gwen talked almost the entire time, and their parents kept talking about how cute they were together and about how they couldn’t wait for their wedding. Grizz hated it, and by the small looks he got from his mom, he knew that he wasn’t alone. His mom knew he wanted a boyfriend more than a girlfriend, but they both knew that that wasn’t okay. So they kept quiet, and Grizz just accepted that he was going to marry Gwen when they were grown up. As he realized that meant more yucky kisses, he couldn’t help but grimace to himself.

When the dinner was over, the adults sat down for a glass of wine, and Grizz was once again pulled upstairs to Gwen’s room. Eventually, he asked her if they could play with play-doh instead of playing mommy and daddy, scared of being kissed again. Luckily, she said yes, and they played with play-doh for quite a while before Grizz’s mother came to get him.

“Bye,” Grizz said as they were about to leave, hugging Gwen on his way out the door. Gwen hugged him back, saying that she wanted to play with him again. Grizz didn’t want that, but he never said so, afraid of what his father would say and do.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were both pretty boring, especially with his grandparents there. All they did was talk about people in town, and Grizz didn’t think that was nice. Grizz tried to stay on his best behavior the entire time. If he got in trouble, his father probably wouldn’t allow him to sleepover at Sam’s the next day. 

He got a lot of presents he liked though. He got some expensive football gear from his parents, a DVD-player and movies from his grandparents, a toy car from Clark, some disney comics from Jason, and a children’s science kit from Luke. The best present was still hidden in his room, away from his father. And as soon as he had the chance to go up there to open it without anyone noticing on Christmas Day, he ran upstairs. 

When he opened the present, he quickly realized that there was no one who knew him better than Sam. He had got him a toy ambulance, and two books about animals and the environment. And those were all things he loved and cared about. Making the world a better place.

The day didn’t seem to go by quick enough, he was too excited for the next day. More excited than he had been for Christmas really. So his mother helped him set up the DVD player, and he watched two movies that day before going to bed. Once he was in bed, he could barely sleep, thinking about how excited he was to see Sam again. So the next day he woke up both incredibly tired and incredibly restless at the same time. His mother put on another movie for him to distract him and make time go by more quickly. 

In the car on his way over to Sam’s house, his mother asked him if he was excited.

“Very!” Grizz exclaimed, thinking about how much fun he and Sam was going to have.

“I’m glad that you’ll spend some more time with Karen Bingham’s son,” his father said, and Grizz frowned. He was there to spend time with Sam, not the others. “Harry, yes? Great kid with great parents. Fully functioning and everything.”

“Hey,” Grizz’s mom said softly, touching her husband’s arm. “Not now.”

Grizz was a bit confused, but just looked out the window at all the familiar houses and people they were driving past, getting more and more excited as they were nearing the Eliots’ house. Once they pulled up into their driveway and Grizz stepped out of the car, Sam was already opening their front door.

Grizz waved at him with a huge grin and got his backpack before hugging both his parents goodbye, his father a bit more begrudgingly. Once the car drove away, Grizz ran up to Sam and hugged him. He had missed his best friend a lot, especially after all the talk about him and Gwen marrying. He’d rather marry Sam!

He barely got any chance to say or do anything before Sam grabbed one of his hands and dragged him along to his room. He showed him all of his presents, signing a bit at the same time. Grizz watched as Sam signed excitedly, grinning at him.

“And we got a trampoline, but I liked your present the best,” Sam finished up, grinning almost as wide as Grizz himself. Grizz signed that he liked Sam’s presents the best too, following him over to his bed and sitting down after Sam had asked him what he wanted to do.

“Maybe play the DS?” Grizz signed, hoping that Sam would be okay with that. “If you want to.”

Sam nodded and grabbed the brand new DS and his games, handing them all to Grizz. Grizz didn’t ask what happened to his old DS, but he suspected that Campbell had something to do with it. 

“You play, I watch,” Sam said out loud, signing at the same time, and Grizz was positive that his pronunciation had gotten better since the last time he saw him. Grizz grinned and played a couple of laps of Mario Kart before handing the DS to Sam. They spent most of the day and afternoon like that, the DS going between them, one watching while the other played. They ate dinner together with the rest of the Eliots and Harry, before going back upstairs. They talked for a bit, played some more and then Sam’s mother came inside, smiling at the two boys.

“Hey,” she spoke and signed. “I just wondered if you wanted a mattress tonight or if you wanted to sleep in Sam’s bed, Grizz?”

“Uhm,” Grizz frowned, looking at Sam. He really wanted to sleep in his bed, and he didn’t want to bother them by getting a mattress for him. “Can I sleep in Sam’s bed?”

“Sure, I’m getting another comforter,” she smiled at him, before looking pointedly at Sam. “Go brush your teeth, boys. It’s late.”

They both nodded, going into the bathroom to brush their teeth. When they got back to Sam’s bedroom, there were two comforters in the bed, and Sam’s mother was leaning against the door.

Once they both were in bed, she hugged them both goodnight and told Grizz to wake her and her husband up if he needed anything. Grizz nodded with a small smile, saying goodnight to her. 

He and Sam kept talking for a little while, signing in the dark. Grizz was signing something, and Sam was laughing, and then Sam just took one of Grizz’s hands and intertwined their fingers. Grizz just smiled, feeling happier than he had in a long while, and then they both fell asleep like that, facing each other.

When school began again the next week, Grizz missed Sam alot, but it luckily wasn’t that long until they could hang out next. Sam’s birthday was only two weeks away, and of course Grizz was going to spend the day there. In fact, they were planning for him to only stay there during the day. However, after a couple of phone calls to his parents, Grizz was allowed to stay the night there. Once again, it was a night with hand-holding and smiles, long hugs and just innocent happiness between two seven year olds.

Unfortunately it was a long time until their next sleepover, and even if they had started spending more time together again, Grizz still missed their sleepovers. The only sleepovers he had had after that, between Sam’s birthday and his own, was at Gwen’s house. He didn’t even want to, but their parents just planned it every now and then.

However, at his own birthday, his parents had finally agreed to let Sam stay over, even if Sam had to sleep on a mattress on the other side of the room. It was nothing like their other sleepovers, a lot more strict, and a lot more fighting that Sam thankfully couldn’t hear. Still, Grizz felt a hundred times better and happier with Sam there.

Grizz didn’t even know that Sam was going to try to take the placement test for his school, trying to get into third grade after the summer break, until Sam told him at his birthday. Still, he was really excited for him, and as soon as Sam told him he wanted to improve his lip-reading and talking, he helped him as much as he could. 

When the day for Sam’s placement test was there, Grizz drove with Sam’s parents to school, so that he could walk him inside.

“You can do this,” Grizz told him confidently, not even signing to him. He knew Sam could do it, he was really smart, and he even knew how to lipread pretty well. He decided to sign the next part of the sentence anyway, just in case. “I really want you here next year.”

“I want that too,” Sam spoke back, hugging Grizz before the two went separate ways. The school day seemed like it lasted for ages, because he didn’t get to know whether Sam was accepted or not. Once he got the message that he was, though, he was incredibly happy for his friend.

The last week of school seemed to go by a lot faster when it was clear that Sam would be there next year, as Grizz knew that he didn’t have to spend all his time with the other boys anymore. He enjoyed spending time with them, but he knew that it would be a lot more fun with Sam there. 

During the first weeks of summer vacation, Grizz had spent almost every single day at Sam’s house. At their one year of friendship ‘anniversary’, Mrs Eliot baked cupcakes with them, probably not prepared for the full-on food fight that followed. Sam and Grizz were throwing flour at each other, laughing and signing insults to one another. 

A week or so after that, the two decided to go on an adventure, spending five nights in a tent in Sam’s backyard. It was probably the most fun Grizz had ever had, as the two played and spent almost every day with each other. Grizz spent a couple of days with Luke as well, playing soccer and baseball. But compared to the amount of time he spent with Sam, it was nothing.

The summer break went by quickly, and Grizz couldn’t wait to introduce Sam to the rest of his friends. He wasn’t sure about Clark and Jason, but he was pretty sure that at least Kelly and Becca would like him. He was kind, and sweet, and Kelly and Becca were kind and sweet too.

After introducing them on the first day of school, he knew he had been right, both Kelly and Becca did an effort to include Sam. Grizz then ended up with two friend groups in elementary school. One with Becca and Sam, and sometimes Kelly, and the other was his football team. He enjoyed spending time with Luke, Jason, Clark and Shoe, throwing ball and stuff, but once they got into junior high, all they did was talk about girls and trying to be cool.

Grizz, who didn’t want to be the only one who didn’t have a girl to talk about, ended up trying to date Becca when he was 11. After all, boys only wanted to have girlfriends. Period. He and Becca kissed, and it was just as awkward as when he had kissed Gwen when he was seven. They still kept dating for two months or so, and for the first time in years, his father was all but kind to him. 

Once it was apparent that he and Sam was growing closer and closer, his father would be shouting more and more, and Grizz would have more and more bruises to cover. He was good at it. Really good at it. No one knew. Not even Sam. Dating Becca was the only thing that helped, but they both agreed to break up before it got weird between them after admitting that none of them actually had feelings for each other. Even at 11, that was apparently scandalous, and his father got mad again.

“I heard you and Becca broke up,” Campbell stopped Grizz in the hallway on his way to class. Grizz frowned at him, wondering what that had to do with anything. Campbell then moved his head, so that his mouth was right next to Grizz’s ear. “I know you’re a fag, alright?”

“What?” Grizz swallowed, thinking that he was entirely fucked. He wasn’t gay. He didn’t like boys. Boys didn’t like boys. “I’m not gay.”

“Oh, yeah?” Campbell grinned. “Well, anyway, just know this. If anything ever happens between you and Sam, no matter when. I’m telling your father.”

Grizz was only eleven years old, and he was scared. Scared that he liked boys, scared that someone would find out that he liked boys, scared that he liked Sam. Because he liked girls. Obviously he liked girls. However, when Campbell walked away, Grizz just didn’t know what to think, other than the fact that he was terrified of Campbell.

His phase of being terrified of Campbell went by faster than expected, after Grizz managed to convince himself that he wasn’t into boys, and much less Sam. And even if he was, no one would ever know. Especially not Sam.

About two years later, during the summer break before high school, Sam’s family (including his aunt, uncle and cousins Allie and Cassandra) was going on a family trip, and both Campbell and Sam were allowed to invite some friends. Grizz knew that he and Becca was going to be invited, and he knew that Harry was going to be invited, and he was positively surprised that the rest of the people going would be Kelly, Clark, Jason, Helena and Luke.

He also knew that Sam wasn’t too happy with Campbell’s choice of friends, considering that he didn’t really get along with neither Harry, Clark or Jason. However, he made sure that Sam knew that he would fight them if they tried to do anything to hurt him. 

Grizz thought that maybe he was the only one of the teens who actually enjoyed the mountain hike up to the cabins, considering how much the others were complaining. As they stood between the two cabins they were going to live in, Grizz enjoyed the view while the others were catching their breath. 

“The four of us are sharing one, obviously,” Campbell said, pointing to himself, Harry, Clark and Jason. “And Luke and Helena can stay with us.”

Grizz frowned a bit before rolling his eyes. Of course Campbell would take it upon himself to decide everything. Luckily they had already decided the rooms, and who would be sharing with who, and Grizz didn’t miss the glare from Campbell as he and Sam agreed to share.

“Fine with me,” Sam said, and Grizz smiled back at him. Sharing a cabin with Sam, Becca, Kelly, Allie and Cassandra would probably be the one he preferred anyway. 

They played a game of heads or tails to decide who would get the bigger cabin, and to no surprise, Campbell and his friends got the biggest cabin. Somehow he always got his way, no matter what. Grizz just sighed and made his way towards the cabin, turning back and tugging on Sam’s wrist to get his attention.

“You coming?” he signed, waiting for him with a small smile. Sam nodded and followed him down to the cabin. They tried to have a small conversation while walking, but seeing as Sam was clumsy without signing, signing and looking at Grizz while walking probably wasn’t the best idea.

Once they got into the cabin, the only room left was the first room to the right after stepping inside. The other two were occupied, and Grizz knew that that room only had one double bed. Well, it wasn’t like they hadn’t shared a bed before. He said as much when Sam asked him if he was okay with sharing, trying not to think about the fact that they hadn’t shared a bed since they were eleven, and in those two years, both boys had hit puberty.

They both unpacked, signing to each other every now and then. Grizz tried telling him a story about their science teacher who got arrested for being drunk at school one day, but was interrupted by a knock at the door. Allie walked inside, and Grizz smiled at her.

“Hey, what’s up?” he asked, and Allie smiled back at him.

“Cassandra and I want to go down to the lake that’s like five minutes away from here,” she signed and spoke at the same time. “Want to join? We’re going to ask Kelly and Becca too.”

“Yeah, sure,” Sam signed back, smiling at Grizz.

“Uh, yeah, gladly, but shouldn’t we invite everyone?” Grizz asked, signing at the same time as to not leave Sam out of the conversation. It was apparent that neither Sam nor Allie really wanted to invite Campbell and his friends, but they eventually did, and all 12 of them ended up going down to the lake. Grizz and Luke were responsible for everything they would need like towels, clothes, snacks and drinks, and right after midnight they all snuck out to the lake.

Other than playing board games, reading, playing volleyball and just having a lot of fun with each other, that’s how most of the teenagers spent their time at the cabin. Every night they would sneak down to the lake, take a swim, be stupid with each other and eat snacks. The second last night they were there, Campbell had apparently had other plans. 

They got down to the lake, and Campbell pulled out a bottle of what definitely was vodka. Grizz instantly felt uncomfortable, not really wanting to drink. First of all, they were way too young, but he was also afraid that he might say something he’d regret.

However, he still accepted the cup of vodka mixed with cranberry juice when it was offered to him. Campbell moved on to ask Sam, but Sam shook his head.

“Come on, pussy,” Campbell signed, and Grizz wanted to jump up and hit him. He immediately tensed, but Sam put a hand on his arm, and he decided that he should probably just stay back. He knew Campbell treated Sam like this, it wasn’t abnormal. That didn’t mean he had to like it.

Shortly after, everyone was drinking, and Grizz was feeling this sort of pleasant buzz, making him relax more. Maybe he liked alcohol after all. He probably did, if he was like his father. Becca and Kelly were sitting next to each other, laughing and leaning on each other. Grizz was pretty sure that Becca was straight, but he was pretty sure that there was at least some attraction there. Maybe girls could like girls, even if boys couldn’t like boys?

“Let’s have truth or dare!” Harry exclaimed as they were all done swimming in the lake, sitting on the grass all cuddled up with a cup of some sort of vodka-mixed beverage each. Everyone were pretty much agreeing, and Harry announced that he would be starting before choosing Kelly. Kelly chose truth, and Harry asked if she was a virgin. Grizz rolled his eyes. She was 13, of course she was a virgin. Still, she got embarrassed, and Grizz definitely got the vibe that she was crushing on Harry.

He was shaken out of his thoughts as she called out his name. Oh, shit, she was choosing him. Well, he was not about to be a coward, so he chose dare.

“Okay,” she smirked. “I dare you to skinny dip.”

Grizz froze. Fuck, skinny dipping? Well, he had never been one to turn down a challenge, and he wasn’t going to turn down this either, but did he really want to get naked in front of all his friends? Fuck it. He started undressing, leaving his boxers on until he was by the edge of the lake. He took them off, then jumped into the lake without thinking more of it. He got up from the lake again, redressing as fast as he could before sitting back down next to Sam. In his slightly tipsy state, he didn’t even think about it as he put an arm around Sam’s shoulders and pulling him closer. 

“Campbell,” Grizz said, hoping Becca signed for Sam. He didn’t really know why he chose him, or what made him confident that that would be a wise decision.

“Dare,” Campbell said, a smirk on his lips. Grizz thought about it for a while, then dared him to show the most embarrassing picture on his phone. He watched as Campbell browsed through his pictures before landing on one that he showed everyone. It was just a picture of Sam, not an embarrassing picture. Just Sam, to passive aggressively tell everyone that he was embarrassed of his brother.

“Cut it,” Grizz said with a glare, removing his arm from around Sam’s shoulders just in case he would have to hit him. Helena, who sat next to him, tried to comfort him by putting a hand on top of his. “Not funny.”

“You’re right,” Campbell nodded, and Grizz knew that Campbell wouldn’t stop there. “It’s not funny, having a brother like that. A little fag. It’s fucking embarrassing.”

Grizz tried to jump up, but before he knew it, both Sam, Helena and Luke were holding him back. Campbell stepped back a bit, and Grizz tried to calm himself down a bit.

“Sam, truth or dare,” Campbell said, and Grizz was on high alert again. After Sam signed truth, Campbell got the most even smirk, making Grizz sick to his stomach.

“Is it true that you’re a little faggot?” Campbell spat, signing only the last word as he stepped closer to Sam again. Sam didn’t answer him, and both Grizz himself, Becca, Allie and Cassandra all tried to sign to Sam that he should let it be, tell Campbell to stop. Grizz tried to get his attention by putting a hand on his arm, but it got shrugged off.

“Is it true? Answer me, you little fuck,” Campbell said aggressively, and Grizz was honestly about to do something drastic. “Faggot, too scared to even admit it.”

Just as he was about to hit Campbell with all he had, Sam signed to him. Grizz had never seen him so angry before, and that fact alone made him nearly miss what Sam actually said.

“I may be gay, but that gives you no right to talk to me that way,” Sam signed, and Grizz’s heart fell to his stomach. He had had his suspicions, of course, but he had tried to convince himself that it simply wasn’t true. Boys wanted girlfriends. Boys didn’t want other boys, and Grizz didn’t want Sam. 

“That’s true,” Campbell shrugged, before continuing in a sickly slick tone while laughing. “Being your brother does.”

Sam stormed off, and Grizz couldn’t hold it any longer. He jumped to his feet and punched Campbell square in the jaw. The only thing preventing him from throwing more punches was Jason and Luke holding him back. Grizz just glared at Campbell, shook himself out of Jason and Luke’s grips, and started walking back to the cabin.

Sam couldn’t have been more than a minute or two in front of him, because Grizz walked into their room just when Sam had managed to get into bed. Grizz didn’t say anything, just got undressed all the way to his underwear and got in under the covers. He had to show him than nothing had changed, that he was still his best friend. Even if everything had changed.

He wrapped his arms around the sobbing boy in front of him, pulling him closer to his chest. He pressed his lips to the back of his head, hoping that Sam didn’t read too much into it. He let Sam cry it out, not saying anything, not trying to get him to say anything, just letting him cry. Of course he understood that Sam wouldn’t have wanted to come out to him like that, he wouldn’t have wanted that either if he were the one being outed. 

When Sam eventually had calmed down quite a bit, Grizz tried to gently turn him around, and Sam helped by turning around by his own free will. Sam looked down for a minute before looking up at his face, and Grizz removed his arms from around Sam so that he could sign.

“So, you’re gay?” he asked, smiling softly at Sam. He sighed, then continued to sign. “Campbell was a jerk, I think the girls all gave him a mouthful after I left. I might have punched him, if he has a bruise on his cheek tomorrow.”

“You punched him?” Sam asked, eyes wide in surprise. 

“It was worth it,” Grizz shrugged with a smile. It would always be worth it if it were for Sam.

“You don’t have to fight my battles, Grizzy bear.”

“I know, but no one talks about my best friend like that,” Grizz said with a small smile, wiping a tear from Sam’s cheek. Sam signed ‘thank you’, and Grizz was unable to look away from him. He had always thought that Sam was beautiful. Those blue, innocent eyes, freckles all over his face, and just… Sam. Sam was beautiful, and Grizz had never wanted to kiss anyone more in his entire life.

So that was what he did. He moved so that he was on top of Sam, then cupped his face before pressing their lips together. The kiss was slow and unsure at first, both of them figuring out what to do and how they liked it, but then it felt natural. It felt like this was where they were meant to be; in each other’s arms, lips pressed together and bodies tangled up in each other. Grizz wanted to stay like that forever.

Grizz woke up early in the morning, by his phone ringing with several messages. He frowned and moved to untangle himself from Sam to see the messages. For once, he was pretty happy that Sam was deaf, seeing as he hadn’t woken up.

Yawning, he unlocked his phone to see eight messages from his father and three from Campbell. He opened the ones from Campbell first, paling as he read them.

Campbell Eliot: Well, well, well… Looks like you’re a faggot after all  
Campbell Eliot: And trust me, I haven’t forgotten my promise.  
Campbell Eliot: [one image attachment]

Grizz opened the picture, and he thought he was going to barf. It was a photograph of him and Sam, Sam straddling his hips as they were kissing. It was taken through the window, and was obviously from last night. He clicked out of the picture, then opened the messages from his father.

Dad: YOU FUCKING FAG  
Dad: I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EMBARRASSED  
Dad: A FUCKING BOY? AND A DEAF ONE?  
Dad: You are a disappointment to the family  
Dad: We’ve always raised you right  
Dad: And that’s not as a fucking faggot  
Dad: If you ever kiss another boy, you are not welcome here.  
Dad: You’re never to see that boy again.

Swallowing back tears, Grizz just put his phone down on the nightstand, and got dressed before he started packing his bag. About ten minutes later, Sam knocked against the headboard of the bed, getting Grizz’s attention.

“Why are you packing?” Sam asked, speaking out loud. Grizz blushed, scratched his neck and tried to come up with an excuse.

“Uhm,” he tried to think of anything to say that would seem even slightly believable. “Luke and Helena had a fight, they asked to swap rooms.”

Grizz didn’t sign on purpose, trying not to make it harder on himself and to distance himself as much as possible from Sam. Sam frowned and stepped out of bed, walking closer to him. Grizz flinched as he noticed Sam reaching out for him.

“Look, dude,” Grizz stepped back, grabbing his now packed bag. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Last night, you stepped way out of line. I’m straight. You know that. I don’t- I don’t care that you’re gay, but keep that shit away from me.”

He could see how he broke Sam’s heart, see how the other boy slowly came apart in front of him. It broke his own heart as well, seeing him like that, but he knew that it would be for the best if he just ruined everything between them completely right there and then. 

“Stop lying to yourself,” Sam said out loud, and Grizz got a bit mad. “You kissed me.”

“I did NOT fucking kiss you!” Grizz said with a glare, grabbing Sam’s wrist. He didn’t even manage to convince himself that it was the truth. “And don’t you ever say that again.”

With that, Grizz left the room, dragging his backpack along with him. He went to Becca and Kelly’s room first.

“Uhm, I’m rooming with Luke tonight. So Helena’s coming here to share with Kelly, and you’ll share with Sam, Becca,” Grizz said, not explaining any further. He saw Becca give him a questioning look, but he just shook his head.

He then walked over to the other cabin. As he saw Helena on the couch, he stopped in front of her. “Hey, uhm, where’s Luke?”

She smiled up at him, telling him where their room was. Grizz smiled back at her, then walked to the room where Luke was lying in bed on his phone.

“Luke?” Grizz said quietly, looking over at one of his best friends.

“Oh, Grizz, hey,” Luke looked up at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Can I please room with you tonight?” Grizz asked, voice weak and trembling. Luke frowned and nodded.

“Uhm, yeah, sure, we just have to talk to Helena,” he said. “Did anything happen between you and Sam?”

“That depends on what you mean by ‘happen’,” Grizz admitted, looking down to the floor. He took a deep breath before looking up at Luke again. “Dude, I’m gay. I’m gay, I kissed Sam, Campbell saw, and he took a photo and sent it to my dad.”

Luke was probably the only one who knew anything about Grizz’s relationship with his dad, so his eyes widened as he realized what this could mean.

“Oh, shit, dude. Uhm, okay. Cool,” Luke nodded. “Yeah, uhm. Let me just talk to Helena.”

The rest of the trip went by without Sam and Grizz saying a word to each other. This consequently led to Becca, Allie and Cassandra ignoring him as well, but Grizz pretended to not care. Luke was amazing as well, treating Grizz the exact same after he came out as he did before.

Grizz had feared how his father would react, but he didn’t think he would ever react like he did. The first thing to happen after Grizz walked inside their house after their trip, was that his father grabbed him by his shirt and slammed him into the wall. He then yelled at him until he started crying and fell to the floor, where he kicked him hard in the ribs, saying something about ‘this teaching him not to be a fucking fag’.

The next couple of weeks, Grizz didn’t even leave his house, afraid that people would see the new bruises covering him. After two weeks of ignoring texts from all his friends, however, he decided to meet up with Jason, Clark and Luke. They played some football together, and he even managed to introduce Clark and Gwen to each other during the summer. 

The only texts Grizz never opened were Sam’s. He just ignored them, until he ended up with blocking his number altogether. It hurt too much, seeing his name on the screen. He missed him so fucking much, missed talking to him, hugging him, and just being with him. But he couldn’t.

When school started again, Grizz didn’t even talk to Sam and Becca. He had to talk to Kelly, since she was dating Harry, but if she hadn’t, he probably would have ignored her too. A couple of days after school started, he was sitting with his friend when Becca marched over.

“Grizz. Talk. Now,” she said, and he looked up at her before nodding and following. They walked outside to where there weren't too many people, and Grizz looked at her. He knew where this was going.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Becca sighed. “He’s heartbroken.”

“Yeah, uhm. I know,” Grizz sighed, trying to find out what to say. “I… I’m not allowed to see him, okay? My father freaked out after I told my parents that Sam and I shared a room at the cabin, and that he came out as gay. I just… I can’t. You don’t understand.”

He walked away before she could say anything else, sitting back down with his friends. This was going to be four fucking horrible years without Sam, he concluded.

The rest of high school was indeed horrible. His father used every excuse possible to yell at him, or even better, throw a punch at him. Grizz knew that he should report him, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He knew that he was respected, if he reported him they would probably not believe him, and he would just make it worse for himself. 

He started partying every weekend, hooking up with random girls and making out with a new girl every week. To convince himself that he was straight, to convince his dad that he was straight. To convince himself that he was normal. He knew that Luke was worried, but he dismissed him every time he asked, saying that it had just been a phase. Of course he wasn’t gay.

It wasn’t until his junior year that Grizz really hit rock bottom. He had no idea what to do, what to live for. And that’s how he found himself in his bedroom, with his father’s gun in his hands. He stared down the barrel of it, thinking of how easy it would be to just blow his brains out. To never have to think again. Never have to lie again. Never break his own heart whenever Sam walked past, ever again. 

He had decided to pull the trigger when he was just looking at his dresser, noticing a photo behind his football prizes. He unloaded the gun and put it down, then walked over to the dresser and pulled it out. It was a photo of Sam, smiling and holding up the teddy bear Grizz got him their first summer.

Grizz didn’t know whether to smile or cry, so he just did both, sinking down to the floor with the photo. He opened the frame, and inside there were some of the old notes Sam had written for him, and his heart got all warm, at the same time as it broke all over again. 

However, that was what he needed. A reminder that in one year he’d be off to college, without any worries about homophic parents, and hopefully he would be far away. So he went back down with the gun, hoping and begging that he was right about his life getting better.

The next year or so he kept regretting that he put away the gun, even when he got accepted into Georgia State University, with a major in environmental engineering he regret his decision. He should have just pulled the trigger when he had the chance.

Graduation came around, and on the day of, Grizz was standing by himself. He didn’t want to socialize, he didn’t want to talk to people. He just wanted to shut the world off. So he was just standing there, listening to music and browsing his phone. He saw a pair of shoes in front of him.

“Hey,” Sam said, and Grizz’s eyes widened in surprise as he turned the volume down and looked up.

“Sam, hi,” he said, ignoring how his heart was fluttering at the sight of him. He was a bit confused, to be honest. They hadn’t been talking for the past four years, and he was pretty sure that Sam hated him by then. However, there the shorter boy was, right in front of him and holding out a box in an all too familiar shape.

He accepted the box and opened it, all while looking Sam directly in the eyes. As he saw what it was, he drew in a sharp breath. Of course. Of course it was this.

“Gare-bear,” he whispered, seeing a tiny smile on Sam’s lips.

“Yeah, uh, good luck at college,” Sam said before turning away, but Grizz knew that this would probably be his last chance to say this shit, like ever, so he carefully grabbed his arm to turn him back around. Sam looked a bit surprised as he spoke. “What do you want?”

Grizz didn’t really know, didn’t really know what to say, but he decided to just follow his heart. Despite him not having used ASL in ages, he decided that he wanted to make sure that there was no way Sam could pretend to not notice what he was going to say next.

“I have to see if I remember,” Grizz admitted, biting his lips as he tried to remember all the signs. When he did, he took a deep breath and made sure to sign as clearly as ever, even if it wasn’t as fluent and quick as it once had been.

‘I will always love you’.

Grizz whispered the words as well, and he wasn’t surprised to see Sam’s eyes fill with tears. He did feel a bit like a douche as Sam signed back ‘you too’, but he couldn’t live his whole life without telling him at least once. Grizz was moving in a couple of days after all.

Once Grizz had made up his mind on where to go to college, he applied for summer housing as well, getting a job nearby just so that he would be able to pay his rent. So he had already packed his bags, booked plane tickets, and was ready to leave as soon as the hats were thrown in the air. Good bye to sucky old West Ham. 

Grizz’s roommate had also applied for summer housing, so Grizz was lucky enough to meet him the day he arrived. 

“Hey, I’m Louie,” the other boy introduced himself as soon as Grizz walked inside the door. Grizz raised his brows, smiling. Louie seemed friendly, a bit shorter than Grizz, brown eyes, slightly tanned skin, and wearing casual yet stylish clothes. “And you are Gareth, yeah?”

“Uh, yeah. Nice to meet you,” Grizz smiled at him. “Most of my friends call my Grizz by the way.”

“Cool, so you prefer being called Grizz?” Louie asked, giving him a hand with one of his bags. Grizz thought about it for a little while. The only people to ever call him Gareth were his parents, and he didn’t really want that association either. So he nodded, told him that that would be great, and thanked him for the help.

Louie helped him unpack his stuff, talking and getting to know each other.

He learned that Louie was from Ohio, he enjoyed classical music and poetry, and had a sister heavily involved in some sort of a feminism movement. Louie then asked him what he was studying.

“I’m majoring in Environmental engineering, and you?” Grizz looked over at him at where Louie was helping him put his clothes in his new closet.

“Oh, I’m majoring in special education, with a focus on ASL and deaf studies,” Louie said. Grizz felt his heart tighten a bit. Of course he was going to room with someone studying ASL. 

“That’s cool, I had a friend a while ago who used ASL,” Grizz said. Louie lit up immediately, asking him if Grizz ever learned anything. Grizz lied and said that he didn’t know him that well, and therefore only ever learned a bit.

“Uh, Grizz, where do you want this?” Louie asked, and Grizz looked over to see what he was holding. When he saw that it was the rainbow flag he had bought impulsively on his way here, he just smiled and said that he’d hang it up over his bed later. He was never going back in the closet that was for sure. Louie just grinned at him, so Grizz knew he was in good hands.

Five months later, Grizz was living the best life ever. He was out, he was proud, he was living with his best friend. He was just missing one thing to make it complete. He missed Sam. His first, and only real love.

He also came out to his parents, for real, and his father didn’t take it well at all. He disowned him, told him to never come back home and that if he did, he would beat the shit out of him. Grizz didn’t really care that much, he was upset of course, but he already knew that he was a douche. He just hoped his mom was okay.

Sometime during his and Louie’s second year as roommates, the two were chilling in Louie’s room with a couple of bottles of booze. Louie asked him when he realized he was gay, and Grizz just laughed.

“Remember that friend who used ASL that I didn’t know very well? I lied. I love him, so so so so much. Have since we were tiny kids. Six and seven or something. I actually used to be really good at sign language,” Grizz slurred, leaning onto Louie’s shoulder. “I.. fucked it up. I kissed him, then I just never talked to him again.”

Louie listened to him cry for ages, and ever since that night, guilt tripped Grizz into practicing his ASL with him whenever he wanted. Grizz hated to admit that he missed it, signing and just being able to not use his voice if he didn’t want to. He missed having conversations that not just anybody could tap into. 

A month or so into the second semester of their third year, Louie burst into Grizz’s room. 

“Dude, listen to this, this is just the craziest thing. You know my best friend, the girl I’m always telling you about, Julia, yes?” Louie asked, huge grin on his face. “Well, turns out, she just moved to a new dorm, and her next door neighbor knows you!”

“Seriously?” Grizz raised his eyebrows. “Who?”

“Becca or something? Pretty girl, according to Julia’s pics,” Louie grinned, and Grizz asked to see the pictures. Louie gladly showed him, and yup, that was definitely Becca.

“She was Sam’s best friend, one of mine too,” Grizz said, smiling at the memories all coming back to him. “Tell Julia to say hi to her from me if you talk to her, please?”

“Of course!” Louie grinned, then disappeared out the door again. Grizz smiled to himself, and fell asleep quite easily that night. For the first time, thinking back to West Ham brought happy memories instead of painful ones.

Some months later, Grizz was invited to this sort of reunion barbecue at Kelly’s house in West Ham, but he didn’t really feel like going. Louie told him he was crazy for not going, talking all about how he would miss his chance at seeing Sam again, making amends, but Grizz just couldn’t take it. There was no part of him that wanted to go. Not even a small part.

So the day of the barbecue came around, and maybe Grizz thought more about it than he’d like to admit, but that didn’t mean that he regret his decision. He just… he didn’t even know. He was happy that he didn’t have to go back to West Ham, and that was it. He spent most of the day just chilling in his room, watching movies and reading when he heard a knock on the door.

He heard that Louie opened it, and seeing as he didn’t shout for him at once, he figured that it wasn’t important after all. However, it took less than a minute for Louie to call his name, and Grizz sighed before getting out of bed and up to open the door. He was about to snap and ask who it was when he stopped cold in his tracks as soon as he saw.

“Sam,” was all he managed to get out in surprise. He quickly looked him over, studying him. He was slightly taller, he noticed, and he had a slight stubble. It looked nice, and Grizz was just out of words. “Uhm, what are you doing here?”

He was so dumbfounded that he forgot to sign at all, but then Sam asked him if he remembered any ASL and Grizz nodded as he let him in. He closed the door behind them.

“Louie is actually studying ASL, he uses me for practice,” Grizz signed, leaning against the wall as he waited for Sam to tell him whatever he had on his mind. He watched as Sam drew a big breath, then watched his hands as he spoke to him.

“Ever since I was six years old, I’ve always thought that you are the most beautiful person I know. Inside and out. Ever since I was eleven years old, I’ve known I was gay. Ever since I was thirteen years old, I’ve known what love is. Love isn’t just this abstract thing. Of course, it is, but it’s also so much more. It’s laughing so much your tummy aches. It’s learning another language for someone. It’s sharing a tent and being terrified of the bugs together. It’s feeling safe whenever they’re around. You were that person to me, and I’m so sorry that West Ham is a homophobic and horrible place, but I don’t think we should let this - this love between us - I don’t think we should let it go.”

When Sam was done, Grizz could feel a tear roll down his cheek, and he didn’t really know what to do. He knew he felt the same way, maybe except for the part that he knew he was gay when he was seven, but denied it for ages. Unable to talk much, he just took Sam’s hand and led him to his bedroom, knowing he was better at showing than talking.

“As I said,” Grizz signed, pointing to his nightstand. “I’ve always loved you.”

Sam then looked around, and Grizz could see everything sink in as Sam saw Gare-bear, the photos of them, and the huge rainbow flag. Grizz loved seeing the amazement in his eyes, but he couldn’t help it any longer, and he pulled him in closer. 

Grizz stroked his cheek as he looked into his eyes, cupping his face with his other hand.

“We’ll give this a chance,” he said, making sure that Sam would be able to read and understand his lips. Sam smiled, and then Grizz pulled him in for a long-awaited kiss. 

They had a lot of ups and downs for the first years of their relationship, but after two and a half years together, five months after moving in together, Grizz proposed. He loved Sam, he wanted to spend his life together with him. No questions asked.

Four and a half years after that, they were getting married. Grizz had never felt luckier than when they gave each other their ‘I do’s. Grizz just couldn’t be happier, even if he had to admit that it was a huge relief when Sam’s mother greeted his own with a “Hello Mrs Visser”, and his mom could correct him with “It’s Miss now, but nice to see you again.”

His mother had finally gotten away from his abusive father, he was getting married to an amazing man, and he had a job he loved. 

“Gareth?” his mother looked at him.

“Yeah?”

“I’m really glad you didn’t listen to me. Boys can definitely want boyfriends, and you and Sam are perfect for each other.”

“Yeah, we are, aren’t we?” Grizz grinned, winking at his husband as he walked past him hand in hand with Becca. God, he was so lucky, and he was never ever going to let Sam slip out of his fingers again. That was for sure.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading Take Me Back!
> 
> I just have to thank everyone who leaves me comments and kudos, even ages after posting. Those are what give me inspiration to write again!
> 
> If you liked it, please leave a comment. If you want to interact with me, go to my tumblr @samandgarebear. Mwah, love you all! xx


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